Elementary School:
Since I was little there was always this thing about gay people that was nasty. I never really understood it, simply went along with it. In my last years of Elementary school, 5th or 6th grade, the idea was introduced that gay people were cool, just as long as they didn't flirt with me. Around this time we took sex-ed and family life for the first time. Anatomy and Biology are my best subjects, however the A's on the tests meant nothing when it kind grossed me out to look at a guy's body, especially that single part that seemed to not quite fit. The female anatomy seemed much nicer with its curves and slender build. And that "part" that was absent made it all the better.

Middle School
Around this time I found my self fantasizing about females in a sexual way, but I hardly thought anything of it. I still considered myself straight, after all I had this crush on a guy who seemed to fit what I was looking for. Don't remember what I was looking for back then. I started to think about gay people even more and it seemed to me that they were some of the best and most interesting people who walked the earth. Take the notion a bit further that nothing was wrong with gay people, I realized that they were people like you and I and that blood like every human ran through or veins and deserved equal treatment. The way they were treated suddenly became very wrong and though I wasn't very liked among my peers, I was one who would defend if necessary those who preferred same sex relations. It's their life and they are free to do what they want with it.

High School

Freshman Year
I have a few crushes on guys that I know, but now that I look back on it, it was only because I was lonely. Given and opportunity I'd have chosen a female over a male in an instant, as a friend of course, which I didn't have many of at the time. It seems to me now as it did then that I was trying to hard to fit in and be straight. I found myself studying relationships around me between guys and girls and wondered if I'd be fortunate enough to have a boyfriend one day. There's a little encouragement from a few elementary school acquaintances that I'm not as bad looking as I think I am and that the right guy will come along one day.

Sophomore Year
This seems like a year for terrible things already and I can already feel the depression setting in. I see that a few of the people I had met the year before are in some of my classes. They seem to accept me as their friends and I don't fight it since I don't seem to have many of those. Someone told me that if you want something to happen you have to make it happen. So I set out to get a guy and make it worth while. That ended in a bunch of pain and heart ache and I felt that me friend, the one that I spoke to most seemed to be the "middle man" or the "middle woman" rather of the relationship. I kinda felt betrayed by her and a lot of drama took place even before the second quarter of the year was finished. I knew this year was gonna suck. Meanwhile I still have the strong feeling toward women and wonder if it one of those psychological things they talk about, like when you are rejected by your mother and seek a female to take her place with care and love and all that other stuff. Watching the discover channel make homosexuality look like a good thing since they explain exactly what I feel, that it's easier for women to connect with other women. Duh! And in a survey they took, they find that women would rather see another woman naked, rather than a male. They also say that women by nature are more open with each other. So I'm still not even thinking that I could be gay. I've given up on love at this point and simply go back to being alone. It's a whole lot less stress that way. Another question comes into mind, Am I looking toward the same sex because I feel like I've failed at opposite sex relationships? One of my friends questions my straightness cuz the fact that I like girls seems to be oozing out of my pores, like everyone knows, but then they don't know. They are surprised but then they aren't. They kinda knew deep down inside that I was "quite right" It's simply easier for me and them to say that I'm Bisexual. Though. . .I still didn't really look at guys in a sexual way. Cute was about the only thing

Junior Year
I look back on the previous year and see how silly I was. I mean I was even going on LBG chat rooms on yahoo. I found the "gay thing" so interesting and met a few interesting on-line friends. It's helped me further understand that "gay" isn't something you do, but something you are and you have no choice but to be who you are. I also realized that you can't study how to be straight. If ya aren't ya aren't that's it. Silly me always had to analyze everything. I mean EVERYTHING! The people who knew I was Bi I didn't bother to tell that I had full committed to women. I'm still kind of afraid of their reaction. One of them knows it, cuz I hint at it but that about it. My behavior has just about leaked my preferences to everyone accept my family. My now sister-in-law knew of my preferences but simply dismissed it with an "Eww you would do that?" I guess she simply thought it was a phase. Though it does hurt when I here her and my brother say stuff like that's nasty or they should all die. I've done enough research to know that there is no way that God, an all knowing entity with nothing but love for all his creations could hate me or anyone else for finding the love that we deserve or destined. We don't choose to be this way, it chose us and I'll not stand for anyone to tell me otherwise.

I'm 16 years old and junior in high school. All I have to do is sit back relax and see if the dark haired beauty of my dreams will ever find me. *Sighs with a smile*

The only problem is. . .Where are the lesbians? I mean I'm surrounded by beautiful women, but they're all straight. Oh well. Lets just take it one step at a time.