I am 20 and for the last year and a half, I have been attracted to women. At first, I blew it off that I just thought they were pretty or nice and nothing would come of it. Then, it would seem like the feelings would go away and I would be relieved. But the feelings would come back, again, even stronger than they were before.

I have had boyfriends, but never a "serious relationship". I am still good friends with my first boyfriend I had when I was 15 and he even asked me a few months ago if I "liked girls". I quickly said no, then said I thought I might have been, but I wasn't. (that was when my feelings had subsided, again)

I always seemed to get bored after getting a boyfriend. The thrill seemed to be the "chase" and then once I knew I could have a guy, I didn't want him anymore. All of my "relationships" with guys were based on either or both of us using the other one for "sexual relations". No relationship I've had, except w/ my first boyfriend, consisted of emotional intimacy.

I haven't been physically intimate with anyone in three years, mostly because I am afraid to be hurt and insecure about relationships. Lately, my feelings for women have come back, even stronger. I'm finding less and less interest in guys, other than as friends. And what is killing me the most is I think my family is starting to get "concerned" about why I haven't had a boyfriend in so long. My grandmother is constantly trying to set me up with her co-worker's sons and I am not at all interested. For now, I have been blaming school and work, and for now they are accepting that answer, but the truth is, I really don't want a boyfriend.

I am truly lucky, though, because my younger brother, who is 17, has been there for me. A few months ago, when I was having these feelings, I felt kind of depressed and confused and in affect was being quite moody with my family. I apologized to my brother, after picking him up from work, and said I just had things on my mind, but I couldn't talk about it. He kept prying until he said, "I know what's wrong." I smiled and said, "No, you really don't." (thinking he had no idea). He kept smiling and said, "Oh, yes I do." I turned to him and he was smirking. He said, "I saw the websites that you were looking at on the address log; Lesbians.com, Lesbianworlds.com, PFLAG.com." I was shocked and honestly thought my brother would make fun of me or something, but he said he was there for me, if I ever needed to talk. In fact, there was a time when he thought he might be bisexual, himself.

I am also very lucky in the fact that my immediate family is pretty open. My mother and I watch "Queer As Folk" and "Will and Grace" and always comment on our love for gay people. But, I do recognize that while watching shows about gay people with your mother is quite different than actually telling your mother that you may be gay, and that is going to take some time.

I am a college student and I am taking a Human Sexuality class this semester. Some "extracurricular activities" include going to a gay church and going to a GLBT meeting. So, I will take advantage of those opportunities to explore my sexuality further, without feeling judged.

I guess I am started to realize that I would like nothing more than to spend the rest of my love life with a loving, caring, comforting women. So, this story may not be about me coming out to the world, but it's about me coming out to myself, which is a huge step that I am taking one day at a time.