It was the Christmas break of my 13th year, and for some reason it hit me. What the words homosexual, and lesbian really meant. Just the year before I was on my knees praying to God that I wouldn't ever "turn into" a lesbian, sobbing, and thinking it was the worst fate to ever be forced upon anyone. But now I was looking up Gay.com, and Planetout.com. Reading meticulously the articles on "Coming out", "What is a lesbian?", and "Am I Bisexual?" (due to the reason "bisexuality" is a lot easier to swallow than lesbianism). I was exploring, through my only outlet, the wondrous world of Wide Web. But this exploration, was all in secret. No one, and I mean NO ONE could ever be enlightened on me actually thinking, that I could POSSIBLY be... GAY.

So my days were filled with searching the internet for anything related to homosexuals, thinking back on it, I realize how terrified I was, and the indescribable worry, that I could be gay. Not to mention the fact if dear mother found out, God only knows what layer of hell would be unleashed and set upon my frail, 13 year old soul. Looking at these gay websites, it all seemed so frightening to me. But I knew I always had, on some level, I wasn't meant to be in love with the beautiful boys of Tiger beat. Even when I was only 6 or 7 I wished I could be one of my friends who were boys, just so I could chase the girls, in our rousing jaunt of "Kissy girls/Kissy boys". All those memories came rushing back to me as I contemplated every detail of my life that didn't quite match up to that of my school chums.

So I searched and read, and did a lot of thinking, luckily in this day and age, all this, like I mentioned before was done online. So I was able to meet people my age that were going through the same thing. Finally, as Christmas break was nearing it's end, I had a breakthrough, and I was able to label myself as "Bisexual". I was so happy, I felt I could do anything, now that I knew there these feelings were coming from, and I wasn't some freak, and it wasn't a curse sent straight to my mind from that of Satan's. For anyone, that would be a relief.

The night of said breakthrough, I signed off and retreated to me bedroom, to count my winnings i.e. Christmas money, when Mother calls me into her room. At once my stomach was full of sickened fright I knew she knew. I enter her room, her eyes full of tears, as she calmly attempts to ask me why she found Gay.com and it's predecessors on our computer's history. Now, as I think back on it, I should have been angry that she hadn't let me come out to her on my own, or even that she was prying, in places she need not be prying into. But no, all I could do was cry, and assure her I wasn't a "gay" of any kind, those were just ads. She then said, it would be ok if I was, I just would never be invited into God's kingdom, and that she would still love and support me, but she couldn't say the same for the Christian community or God. I hated myself. I hated myself for even looking into anything. I went back into my room, and after about 3 days, I realized that hate, shouldn't be directed towards, me looking into anything or even wondering, it should be to me denying myself. However I just wasn't ready to tell her.

Four years later, I have been graciously titled "The King of the Lesbians" at my school, my mother knows, and she informed me that she always had a "hunch" I wasn't going to "turn out" straight, and in fact she told her friends and colleges of this, when I was but 5 years of age. I have had girl friends, and I am happy. I am happy I am me. I am happy that I have fortunately found friends that care nothing about the fact I am gay. I am happy that I am everything I deserve to be, and that that includes being lesbian. I take pride in discussions with peers, about homosexuality not being a choice, much like race not being a choice. You are born who you are, and whether you choose to hide that, or take pride in that is your business. I am happy and proud to wake up everyday and know that the world changes a little and I can help the world become more aware of LGBT issues and rights. Even if my story isn't profound, or funny, or even interesting, to me, my coming out, was such an eye opening, amazing experience. Even if it just seems that way to me.