Where do I start? First off, I have a long term boyfriend. We have what others think is a "good" relationship, the cute couple. Yet, something is wrong. We're more friends than anything. We hang out, we talk, we help each other clean the others house. I don't like to cuddle with him. I don't enjoy the sex. I find myself making excuses so I don't have to. I'm "tired" a lot and have a lot of "headaches." We just go through the motions of being in a relationship. I say I love him, and I do, but not in "that" way.

I hate it. I know I'm hurting him by staying in the relationship. I know I'm hurting me by staying in the relationship. So why do I do it? I don't want to be alone. I want to be in a relationship my family and my world can handle. They can handle me being with a man. I just don't know if they can handle me being with a woman. Heck, I don't know if I can handle me being with a woman. I don't know if I can handle me being with a man anymore, but at the same time I don't know if I'm ready for this. Yet, its on my mind all the time. Every time I see a woman I'm attracted to, its a reminder that I'm not "normal."

I've always been accepting of the gay community. My two best friends since kindergarten are gay. Many of my newer friends are gay. We used to joke that I'm the only straight one of the bunch. And, here I am, no different from them, except, I've been unable to admit it to myself and them. I'm a lesbian.

I'm not sure when I figured it out. When I was younger, I never really had any crushes on any boys. I said I did, of course, but I just went along with whoever my best girlfriend liked. I've never had a "type" of guy I like. When people ask "what's your type," I could never come up with an answer. I guess its because I just haven't really liked any guys. I've just gone with the flow, said "Oh, he's cute" and did what was expected of me.

Now? I'm still not sure if I can admit it to anyone. I know my friends will be supportive, most of them are gay themselves. They've been there. They can help, they will understand...yet, I still can't bring myself to tell them. And my boyfriend? I can't keep on like this. What do I say when I go to break up with him? I'm not ready to tell him the truth, but at the same time, other than that, I have no reason to break up with him. He thinks all is great. I'm good at pretending to love him "that" way. He's a great guy. Sweet. Caring. How can I hurt him like this? I'm such a horrible person!

I guess admitting it to myself is the best way to do start. So here I am, sending out my story to everyone and nobody at the same time. Completely anonymous, except to myself.