I wish I could find someone. Just recently I started thinking along the path that I liked girls, but it never occurred to me that I was right. I was almost looking at it as another way to be different. I love to go out and fight oppressors, but it was always awkward because I wasn't one of the people being discriminated against. I was just at first seeking to learn more, and now I've realized that this truly is who I am. It took my first real boyfriend for me to realize that I don't like guys. I look forward to the day that I can come out to the world and be who I am.

My biggest problem with all this, is that I was originally drawn to my best friend because I liked the way she looked. (That was my first clue) Starting with dreams, I realized why I was always depressed about our friendship, because I wanted a relationship, not just a friend. Much more often recently, I fantasize about wrapping my arms around her and letting her feel safe and comforted. When I was with my boyfriend, and he would hold me, that's what I would be thinking about. It made me feel guilty that I couldn't return the 'love' that he felt (or at least showed) to me, but now I realize that was because it wasn't what I really wanted.

I don't know if my friend is my type, or if she even wants me as a girlfriend. It's hard being an adolescent, finally realizing what you want, but not wanting to ruin everything on the chance that it's not what they want too. (I'm very aware that it's a problem everyone of all ages and cultures have-some worse than others) I wish life came with a walkthrough for all those hard times when you just can't see a way out of something without hurting so many other people.

I've finally picked up the courage to say something to her, this upcoming Sunday. I just hope it doesn't ruin our friendship.

Even if I can't live my fantasies of pulling her into a loving embrace and sharing a kiss, I still want to be around to comfort her, even if only as a friend.

~Jessica~