My story takes place in January of 2001. Sometimes it seems like it has been longer than that, but when I look into it... it's only been about a year and 4 or 5 months (give or take).

Basically I have always had an infatuation with women since I was a little girl. It was almost like an over infatuation. I only liked women performers and women actors. I always saw myself just wanting to put pictures of women over the walls of my room. But I usually ended up putting pictures of guys because it was the "normal" and/or "right" thing to do.

Anyway as I got older the infatuation with women and thinking of them as being sexy and cute increased. It took a rather embarrassing moment in my life to realize or at least start to question my sexuality. I had boyfriend... I wasn't attracted to him... I didn't feel any type of connection. I was with him because it was what you had to do, in my school... at least I thought at the time. We ended up having sex one night, despite the fact that I did not want to do it. I always hated making out with him... the last thing I wanted to do was have sex. But we did and to this day I have regretted it. Sometimes though I think maybe it happened for a reason, I mean right after it happened I spent a long, long time in my room sitting at my computer just thinking. He had always tried to have sex with me before, but I never gave in... I was just tired of it a one point and weak... also confused.. so I gave in. The thought of doing it disgusted me.. but I had to do it I had to be in that relationship.. if I wasn't.. I couldn't imagine what others would think.

I kept thinking to myself... "Am I gay?" I thought I can't be. Others say it is wrong. It took so long for me to realize that maybe it wasn't so bad to at least come out to myself. Shortly after I had had enough pretending and I broke up with him. But my mind was so confused and I still didn't know what to do with myself. It took a leadership and diversity training program to help me realize and bring out the truth from deep within me. I know now that shouldn't have mattered, but I have always been among the unpopular ones.. I just wanted to belong.

I have realized now, who I am and I am very proud to be me. It is still very hard and I still have to fight to stay strong. But I know who I am, I love me... I am me.