I'm not sure how to start this, because, well, it’s about my life and I always feel like I talk too much when it comes to me. I would rather really just listen. So if this bores the hell out of you, get over it…it’s a great story or so I’ve been told. Here goes nothing, there has to be a little bit of an intro, so I’ll start from the beginning.

I was born. I learned to walk, talk and all that stuff. Skipping forward a few years…I grew up as a care free kid, I had four brothers, I played with GI-Joes, trucks and ran around without a shirt on. My favorite activities were soccer and getting dirty. I was a typical tomboy, the worst thing was when I had to come home and get cleaned up to go to church stuff. Hehe, that’s right, church, every gay persons dream! And to top it off, I was Mormon (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints), one of the hardest religions to realize that you are gay in. For they kick you out if you confess, or you have to sit and listen to them rant and rave about that horrible sin. Its one the worst sins you can commit, right next to adultery, and the only solution they see is excommunication. Heaven forbid they try and love the person and accept who they really are. I am a little teensy wit bitter if you haven't noticed.

Another thing the church advocates quite strongly is reversion, or learning to become straight. This is a crock! It does not work and is VERY detrimental to the emotional well being of the person. The American Psychological Association has even come out and said that once they classified homosexuality as a disease, but now accepts that it is a normal lifestyle…and that reversion therapy is no longer applicable and is wrong.

Back to my story, the words homosexual, lesbian or gay are rarely even mentioned in the church. It’s hard to believe but, I didn't even know what lesbian, gay, transsexual or homosexual was. You might think I am kidding, but it is common of LDS (Mormon) children to be extremely extremely sheltered. In fact, I learned the little I knew about sex from my friends, my parents never even breached the topic. To them it is something to be done with the opposite sex and in private.

So I guess a little history of my family is in order, so you can get an idea of how LDS I really was. All my ancient, dead relatives crossed the planes when the Mormons were being prosecuted in Missouri. In fact, my great great great (I don't know how many greats she was...) grandmother crossed the planes with her baby (she was 18 years old and her husband had left with the Mormon Militia to go to NM and fight) and the baby died. She almost died, walking for days and days in the freezing cold with various diseases plaguing her. She walked over 3,000 miles during the winter, and they were also stranded, and were rescued when they had had no food (besides corn meal and water) for weeks. So you see, the faith has always been strong in my family. My grandparents went on missions, had kids, went on another mission, my parents went on missions and it has just gone down the line like that. My brothers didn't go on missions and I don't think I will be either. I can't promote something that hates me as a person and that I don't support.

Anyway, back to me, I was a simple kid, I always wondered why I liked church, but hated it at the same time. I would go and have a good time, but just feel like I didn't fit, or that I just wasn't faithful enough. I really really struggled with the faith thing, I would always try to convince myself, but it never worked. I just felt like I was faking, but it was so easy to fake. Everyone thought I was a great kid, but in fact I was sneaking out, getting arrested, and being a hellion in general. However, I still many nights on my knees, hands clasped, praying that I could feel the spirit, or feel like I belonged. I pleaded with God to show me a sign that I was doing the right thing and that He loved me. This is horribly sad to me. I didn’t feel like I was loved by anyone, I wanted to reach out, but didn’t understand why I didn’t feel loved. I just felt so alone, and to combat this, I became loud, obnoxious and a clown, if I could make other people laugh, then I didn’t have to worry about my own problems and worries.

This praying probably started when I was 11, and continued off and on until I was 17. By then I was tired of not getting any comfort, and basically gave up. I slowly started attending church less and less, for I had to keep my parents convinced that I was going. During all this, my so-called friends became alarmed that I was spending too much time with this one girl. Now that I no longer attend church these "friends" have never even called, and I guess I am just a lost cause in their eyes. (I hear rumors of what I have turned into though: the latest is that I was befriend by an older girl, started smoking and am an alcoholic. It couldn't be farther from the truth, the girl I met is younger, I don't smoke and I hardly ever drink. Hehe.) Back to the girl I met, I met this girl my junior year in high school, she sat behind me in Algebra class. I don't know what it was, but I just felt this attraction to be her friend.

We didn't start hanging out very much until I asked her to come to Unleash the Beast (an event to kick off the girls basketball season) with me and to hang out with us. She came, and had a good time. The funny thing is, at that basketball extravaganza, I met my first lesbian and didn't even know it. A group of girls were sitting behind us, and we were yelling and cheering when our friends on the girls’ basketball team came out, and she commented on how she thought it was great that we had so much spirit. I didn't think anything about it until recently; she was totally hitting on me. But, now we are all good friends and hang out all the time. When we talk about that night she remembers and we laugh. I just remember that she seemed very cool and energetic, but never thought anything else...how blind was I?

Another thing to this story is that during Sophomore year I drove a BIG HUGE BROWN VAN (affectionately called the burrito mobile or the WendiiMobile) and some of my brothers lesbian friends had put a rainbow sticker on the back of it. I never noticed until much later, but was that funny or what? And these friends of my brother had made a bet that one day I would finally see what everyone else knew. I just found out the other day too, that everyone knew but I didn't! My Aunt knew from when I was born, and all my closest friends growing up knew it too. I was just stupid I guess. It took me 17 years to realize it.

Well, this is getting kind of long, so I had better wrap it up. So I met this girl in my math class and we hit it right off. We didn't get together until like a half a year later though. Evidently she had had feelings for me the whole time and I was just stupid enough to think that we were just friends. Even after we kissed, I never thought that I was gay. I just thought I loved this girl and it was all ok right?

In fact, I never had a problem with being with a girl until recently. It has really just started to hit me. I am a very confident person and never have had problems with what people thought about me. I think the main reason is because of some of the bad reactions I have had when coming out to friends, and family members. I also have not told my parents, because I will be disowned. You wouldn't think it would bug me that much, but having to lie over and over, sometimes daily, really wears on you as a person. I don't like having to mask that I am attracted to women. What happens when I have a special event with the woman I love, and I can’t share it with them?

But, back to when I came out to people, most of the reactions have been positive and uplifting, but there have been those that are negative, even from complete strangers! I guess I didn't have a problem with my sexuality until I got out into the real world. I really feel like I am just finding myself these last couple of months. It has been rough, but I feel like I am getting a grasp on it.

*Note, this was written in 2001, the next part was written in March 2002.

I was looking through all my WebPages this morning and updating them (supposed to be working, my bad!), and decided to give a little update.

Hmm, aside from moving around a lot recently (I am finally settled down!), having to deal with a lot of friend/girlfriend problems, life has broken into a stride that I am learning to deal with.

The biggest obstacle of late is that I found out I have Epstein-Barr Virus. (This will take WAY to long to explain, so go to Centers For Disease Control for more information.) Here is a short summary of what this disease is though, 85% of adults carry it, passing it along through saliva (kissing and/or sharing forks etc). The funny thing is, most of the carriers are healthy and don’t know they are passing it along, until they pass it onto someone like me who just happens to get sick with it. Basically I don’t know whom I got it from, so I have this disease in me. It just makes me tired VERY easily, like yesterday I was running around the house with my friend Amber, cause we were hiding from Jo, my roommate…we had messed up her bed…and we joked around for like 10 minutes, after that I was exhausted and had to rest.

Now I have been an athlete my whole life, I am very fit and very healthy, and it really hurts to not be able to be as active as I am. I get tired easier, my immune system is down (so I get colds and other things easier) and I stay sicker longer. I am still battling Bronchitis, which I caught from my roommate; I got it about a month ago. You see there is nothing you can take for this disease; you just have to get enough rest and hope you get better. Another problem I found I have is hypothyroidism, and I have slight heart problems. The average persons heart rate is about 75…mine is usually 66 or lower.

But in spite of all this exciting and recent news, I am going on. I am going to class, working as much as possible, and I just bought my NEW truck! It’s a 2000 GMC Sierra Sport…V6, automatic…metallic green (not forest green!), it is SO awesome!

So, life goes on, I guess you just take the bad apples with the good. Of course I have my good days and my bad days, where I just want to be like everyone else and be able to run around and have a good time without having to take a nap or rest. It’s very inconvenient sometimes, and I get tired of having to “take care” of myself so much. For I have to eat healthy, and get 8 hours of sleep at least, and being a teenager/young adult doesn’t help this. Cause it seems like your friends only want to go out after 10pm!

But I am dealing, and life goes on right? As for the gay thing, I have had some interesting developments in that area. Being single for the last couple of months has gotten me to thinking about my sexuality. I am not really into labels, but I think I am changing my title from lesbian to bi…hmm, my reasons being that I think I can fall in love with any soul, it doesn’t matter what body it is in. So I am keeping my options open. It’s that simple. Love is love, who can blame me for that right?