I am what most would call a late-bloomer. I've been married twice, have four grown daughters and a step-son, a son and daughter in law, and four grandchildren. To say that my life has been a struggle would be an understatement... but I am finally getting to a place of peace in myself... and healing. I have found though, that peace sometimes comes at a great cost.

About four years ago, I began to struggle with my inner self. I'm 45... thought perhaps I was having a mid-life crisis, and in a way I was. One gets to a point where one realizes that life as we know it either is just as we always dreamed it would be in our heart of hearts...or it's not. For me it was not. I spent years burying myself in spirituality, mostly in Christian circles. I truly think I thought that I needed to be saved from myself. Ironically, it was my spirituality that led me to a place to take a deep look at myself, and that opened up my heart and soul to begin accepting who I really am. There's a song often sung at fundamental churches... "Just as I am..." ...nice words, but most folks I've found don't believe it. We believe we have to be a certain way to be accepted... to be loved. That is how I felt.

For the first 25 years of my adult life, I tried to be what I thought was expected of me... lived the life that had been modeled to me by those I knew. But deep down it didn't fit. I struggled to find comfort in the intimate relationships I had with men... and with my husbands. My first husband even once commented that I was not "normal" in my response (since he was much more experienced than me, his comment only added to my confusion and self-loathing.) My second husband and marriage was more platonic in nature. He was and is a good and gentle man... and he loved my kids... so for years I tried to keep our family together... and make things right. I suffered bouts of depression. Spent time in intensive counseling. Kept pushing to be someone I was not, though consciously, I didn't realize why life was so hard.

In the course of my trying to heal and be happy, I began to develop friendships with women. When I was younger, I found that I avoided close friendships with women. In retrospect, I think I was afraid. My subconscious knew who I was, even though I wasn't ready to see it myself. It was in my becoming vulnerable to friendship and opening my heart that the first revelation of my real self happened. I found myself physically attracted to my best girl friend. Those feelings terrified me. I was still married at the time, as was she. When I was finally able to talk to her about it, she freaked out a bit, because, as she told me, she is not "that way". I decided that her friendship meant more to me than acting on my feelings... and we worked through those initial awkward, scary times. To this day, she is one of my most supportive, good friends... as is her family. But in the aftermath, I was left to deal with the reality of the potential that the feelings i had experienced had revealed. And in the midst of all this, I struggled with how to reconcile this reality with a faith that totally rejected people like me.

I talked to my husband about what I was feeling. He seemed to understand as much as he could... but didn't see any reason why we couldn't remain married (and in truth, not much would have changed since our relationship was more platonic in nature... more of a convenience for keeping our family intact), but I wasn't happy. And parts of me started to die inside. In retrospect, I can see how my heart and soul tried to tell me this truth about myself for years, in my relationships with others, momentary attractions that I would feel toward women, and quickly brush off and bury, and a general feeling of restlessness and being different, but not knowing why or how.

Last year, I met a wonderful woman. We became quick friends. Our hearts and souls connect in way that I have never known with another human being. And I knew that my moment of truth had finally come. I told my husband that I needed to move on. And in our discussions, he too, admitted that our marriage was not all that he needed. Someone needed to be honest and do the hard thing, and end it before we both found ourselves alone/together and unhappy after many wasted years. And that someone was me. We both deserved more than the other could give. When I came out to my friends, my closest friends told me that they always knew... or suspected. I am fortunate to have a few good friends who love me for who I am. When I came out to my mother, she appeared to accept me at first, but later enlisted my sister and aunt to try to convince me that I am just screwed up and confused. I don't have any communication with my sister now... my aunt sends kind thoughts... and my mother and I are working on having a relationship.

Once I made the break with my husband, I knew that I needed to move out... though, as I said, he would've been happy to let me live in our house and keep things the way they were. At that time, I had my own room. It was a crazy situation, and I knew it. The woman I had fallen in love with lived in another state, and because of the area I lived - very fundamental, Bible belt, and harassing to gays I thought a move might be the best thing for everyone. As a side note - I believed all the dogma too once, and when I started to realize my own truth, hated myself for it... prayed to God to change me But He didn't. He seemed to push the mirror at me over and over and over. And in learning to accept myself, I did alot of research and studying... so much is taken out of context... so much hatred in the name of God. Today, my spirituality is stronger, and gentler...and the God I know loves ME... loves ALL those He has created. God LOVES diversity! He made us that way! But, as I said, I felt it was a good time, and probably best for everyone, for me to make a move. I had been unemployed for months with no real prospects for a job (an unusual thing for me), and I felt that God was helping me to break away. Every detail seemed to fall into place... amazingly... as doors naturally closed.

This past summer I moved to be with the love of my life, experienced my first intimate relationship with a women, and realized that I didn't need to feel different or weird anymore. I finally fit into my own skin.

The hardest part, and I saving this for last, has been my children's reaction to my decisions. They're all grown... in their 20's. Faith belief's tell them that I am an abomination... that what I am doing is evil. Telling them was the hardest thing I ever had to do. And they refused to accept it... still do. One daughter remains connected but guarded. My other daughters have no contact with me. And this of course means that I have lost contact with my grandchildren as well. My family, as it was, has gone on without me. My children seem to embrace and support my ex-husband (their step-father), as their sole parent. He is free to bring his dates to events. They accept his new life. It's a reality that breaks my heart. I continue to try to stay connected to them. I will always be their mother... and I love them deeply. I had thought at first when I was coming out to myself, what is the worst thing that could happen? I was terrified! I could lose everything to be myself... and in a sense I have... and yet...

I could never go back to things the way they were. I was dying inside. I would never know the sweetness of truly being loved in a way I believe all people should be loved. I would be, and was for years, living a lie. For the first time in my life, I feel truly authentic, happy (despite the bittersweet aspects of my life), and at peace, with myself and my God and those around me. A friend commented that for all the time he had known me, there was always a sadness about me... and since I've accepted myself and my life, I have a glow and a peace.

The truth truly does set us free. It's not always easy. And I hope one day my children and family will be able to see that I am still me, and accept all of me. Sometimes we have to be willing to "die" for the truth. I found the strength and courage to do that. And I have found new life and love in the process.