More and more lately the question has been raised, are lesbians biased against bisexual women? The eventual drift of the conversation depends on the women in attendance, of course, but it is always an interesting discussion. I have found the different reasoning and attitudes behind the labels to be fascinating and often unexpected. Is it right to discriminate against a group of individuals based upon their sexual orientation? Or are we exempt from accountability when we assume that based upon a woman's sexuality, I can expect certain behavior? Of course we are not, but are there some legitimate reasons for refusing to date bisexual women? This issue is a good reminder that when attitudes are tied in with issues of the heart, it is hard to separate what is right and what is self-protection.

From the lesbian side I have heard some very sad stories, which seem to be a part of the basis of the bias against bisexual women. These stories all appear to be based upon personal experiences, though I suspect there are many stories that were relayed from a friend of a friend. Let's take a look at those stories.

From the Lesbian Side...
Over the years I have heard from several women - lesbian women - how they became involved with a woman who identified as bisexual. As time went on they fell in love. One day their lover announced that it was time they were getting on with their lives. The lover announced she would be marrying Joe, and fulfilling her dreams -- house, picket fence, 2.5 kids, a dog and society's blessing.

A pretty terrible way to hear that what you have to offer just doesn't measure up. Let's face it, no matter how successful you may be -- nor how much you love her -- nor how much you will care for her -- you will never be able to offer that package which includes all of society's blessings. How soon do you plan to recover?

Another dreadful scenario is a woman -- lesbian woman - meets and falls in love with a self-identified bisexual woman. The new love is currently married to Joe, but assures you she loves you more and will leave him... soon. An affair begins and your lover will leave Joe to be with you... once the children are old enough. Or once you two can afford to live together. Or as soon as her parents are up to hearing the news. Or whatever the "until" might entail, but you get the drift.

Time goes on, the lesbian woman is waiting and lonely. She is watching her life pass by while she waits to be with the one she loves. One day finally arrives -- the day they have been waiting for has arrived. Only the lover decides that she really does love her husband. Or she is honest enough to admit that she cannot face the divorce or disapproval of family and friends. Our lesbian woman is left alone and wounded.

Then there are the misconceptions of the meaning behind the bisexual identity, and those misconceptions persist, even in the lesbian community. Bisexual women are assumed to be promiscuous. Bisexual women are just not willing to admit they are lesbians. Do I really need to address the double standard these assumptions and labels imply?

As a final note, perhaps another side to this issue should be considered. From a lesbian-identified woman who is a regular in the Lesbian Worlds Forum: ...I am a lesbian and lesbianism is what enlightens and enlivens my heart, my spirit, and is the fundamental reality of my soul. You are my friend, but there is a light in you that will never meld completely with the light of me, there are inherent differences in who we are as women. -- MizzT

Is that really bias, or just a deeper understanding of what a woman - in this case, a particular lesbian - needs to fall in love?

Until next time...