Have you ever known a women who always knew they are attracted to women instead of men? So aware of her own feelings, she recognized her attraction from the start. She may not have known the name for how she felt, but she knew exactly who she wanted and her only epiphany was how to identify herself. She is someone who suffers no doubts about her own sexual identity.
In talking with [or reading posts/emails from] the now grown woman who knew they were different from other girls they knew, they will often say I always knew. Or perhaps I've known since as far back as I can remember. If you are like me, you will wonder how it could be possible that someone could know themselves that well without some sort of outside influence. They will tell you that it was just there - a part of them - and it was so much a part of themselves that they could not imagine being any different.
These women can remember crushes on female teachers and scout leaders. They remember crying when the camp leader dumped them at the dance for a BOY! Oh, the hurt and rejection were horrible! But they felt that their feelings had to be kept secret. They felt they were different and if anyone found out, they would... well, who knows what would have happened, but they knew it would have been horrible.
Feeling as if they were the only one to ever feel this way is a common refrain. Most of these women remember not only did they feel they were DIFFERENT, but thought they were the only girl to ever feel attracted to other girls. They feared that they would NEVER find a girl who would feel the same way. But they also knew they would never be able to change the way they felt. What a terrible quandary in which to find yourself.
Discovering the words homosexual or lesbian in a magazine, dictionary or book was an epiphany to these young women. Suddenly the world is not only a wondrous place, but they have a place in it. The relief is tremendous as they begin to plan and explore the possibilities for the first time in their young lives. The first tentative steps they take are like those of a child in a candy shop. Some women describe this time as feeling physically lighter or finding themselves always giggling.
As she became older, she recalls the feeling of coming home when immersed in LGBT groups. At some point in her life she spent all of her free time at either LGBT Community Centers becoming involved in political activities, joining LGBT clubs, or going to the LGBT bars. Just immersing herself into environments filled with like-minded LGBT people brought on a certain peace of mind like no other.
She may or may not have felt should could tell anyone her secret, but she found peace in her heart knowing that she was not alone. She knew that someday, she would find the woman for her and they would live happily ever after...
Until next time...